I want a bomb
On our recent biking trip through Missouri, I noticed that bombs are a popular motif in outdoor decorating around the St. Louis airport area. I saw bombs welded into an archway in front of a war memorial, a bomb doubling as a sign accent and even a bomb as a fence post in a yard.
The welded bombs were about a foot and a half long. The biggest one spread about four feet and hung by stout chains below a sign reading “Military Surplus.” Customers walked underneath it on their way into the brick building. The bomb in the yard was somewhere in between in size.
When I write “bomb” perhaps I should be writing “bombshell.” I assume that the explosive part was removed, and there really wasn’t live ordinance sitting around. In other words, only the shell remained. But then again this was St. Louis, Mo., a town that prohibits sitting on a curb and drinking beer from a bucket.
It’s true; it’s on the web. If it’s spoken on air or is on the web it has to be true, right?
Google “drinking beer from a bucket” and it will pop right up (I found it accidentally while searching “bombshell” and have no idea why it appeared.) Judging by web posts this law really addles people from Wisconsin. Understandable, since many a Dairy-Stater has been drinking beer from a bucket since being big enough to tip one up, and many others don’t live on a paved road, much less have a curb to sit upon.
But I digress from bombs to beer buckets.
I’d like a bomb in my back yard. Maybe I can figure a way of incorporating it into a fountain or birdbath. I could make it on the side and surprise Sabra with it for her birthday. I bought her a new chain saw last year and I’d like to give her something even more special this year.
Or, better yet, I’d like a really big bomb in my back yard, big enough to write slogans on it like “Don’t believe in God? You are not alone.” The slogan is the center of a ruckus in Des Moines. A group named Iowa Atheists and Freethinkers paid to have the slogan put on the side of public buses. The bus people first allowed the signs but then took them down after receiving complaints. ACLU chains were rattled and the slogan went back up. Then a driver was suspended for refusing to drive the bus. Lawyers are salivating.
Or, perhaps I’ll stencil letters reading “HEALTH CARE REFORM” because it is the most explosive issue of the day.
Buying a bomb is not easy, however.
I started out searching in Google, but that only led me to beer in the bucket and some other not-to-the-point sites. If I had $6 million to spend, I did find a place that provides bombshell casings (defenseindustrdaily.com) for the Air Force, but the price tag was a little too much Pentagon pencil dust for my budget.
After Google, I went to Amazon.com and used its search engine. I got 50 hits but the vast majority were books about female bombshells – Marilyn Monroe and Jean Harlow to name two – or had the word in their title (“The Blonde Bombshell: The Fully Illustrated Addition” is now on my to-be-read list.) Mixed in with the books – mostly paperbacks featuring busty women on the cover – were a few other products like Bombshell Designer Skin Hot Tingle Tanning Lotion ($39.99 new or $39.95 used).
Question: Who would buy a used bottle of lotion to save four pennies?
Answer: A Minnesotan.
I also found bombshell bicycle bars on Amazon, but no bombs. Over at Ebay, I turned up Liquid Ass Stink Prank Fart Spray Bomb for $9.95 (guaranteed fresh).
So I’m stuck. Anyone out there know where you can purchase a bomb? And how to dispose of prank fart spray gone stale?